Tears like diamonds...

"You don't know how strong you are 

until strong is your only option"

After months and months of searching for a reason behind my fatigue and pain, I may finally have the answer. I tested positive for the Lupus antibodies. 

I wish that all the tests had come back negative .. I was already steeling myself for the diagnosis. 

I needed and wanted a name to put to the endless nights of restless sleep, to the days that dragged onto weeks that dragged onto months of such extreme fatigue that even opening my eyes in the morning felt exhausting... to the days where I battled the pain.. that constant, achy, all over my body pain. And, now I have it. A silent condition that causes the body to attack its own tissues, causing systemic inflammation, pain, fatigue and a host of other much more awful things. 

Lupus. That is why I always looked like I have a sunburn on my cheeks. That odd butterfly rash that started a while back and then went away, and then came back with a vengeance. That's why my legs ached so that I could hardly walk after work some days. 

I don't feel very strong right now, I have to admit. I feel.. overwhelmed and sad. I feel sad for my two girls, who don't have a joyful, happy, energetic Mommy right now.  I feel sorry for myself, and, I know that's not a good place to be. I know that my fighting self has already started to come out. Because, despite my tiredness, I am not going to quit and just fade away. 

I am a firm believer that God does not give you more than you can handle, despite how hard somethings are that come your way. Right now I am in a mourning period, saying goodbye to the old path and looking ahead at the path I need to walk. 

And walk I will.. one step at a time, one foot in front of the other...

"courage does not always roar.. sometimes, it the little voice at the end of the day saying..I will try again tomorrow......" 

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